A Toast to Relationships

Let us begin with a quote.

"I never wanted but your heart. That gone, you have nothing more to give."

-Mary Wollstonecraft

I've often thought that relationships will start out fine and easy, like the slow turning of flowers into blossom. You see, it was in my latest correspondence with a friend that got me to thinking, do we really want what we ask for? I've always asked for someone who could understand me, someone attractive, who wants to get to know me, who's a gentleman. Yet, I've been given the opportunity to be with someone just like this, and all I can think of is: god, now that I'm not being judged by the shallow and materialistic needs of men, what's left [of me] to judge? I mean, here is a genuine, intelligent, great young man that wants to be with me. And all my past insecurities (and possible indifference to him) gets in my way of being in a relationship.

Now, if we back up a little and work with the quote I inserted first, we can build around that. If we have nothing to give except our heart, is the rest just random play? Granted, not everyone out there wants a long-term (or short term) relationship. I'm not one of those people; I can't just be a girl on the side, or a girl you have fun with while you date dozens of other girls. It's not me, and it's never been in me. The last time I was involved with someone, I couldn't help but focus on the fact that we were very different people. It was no secret that he felt the same, and often thought of me in those terms. I hated him for it, but it intrigued me so much more. And to tell you the truth, all I really wanted was his heart. But in the final stage of our 'fling,' I realized I'd never win. He didn't want something deep and profound, and quite possibly might never want that; he was completely blind to my emotions-whether or not it was a conscious decision of his to be ignorant.

I left him. And I often look back and think that without his heart, I really had nothing else to look forward to. I was so caught up in winning him over, in being with him, in letting him see that there was so much more to me, and to quote a great article-"I [was] tired of being scared in order to be fetching.' He was this great adventure, constantly on the run. And I wanted that, too, to an extent. I never realized that he was just himself, and there was nothing more to discover. I always found it sad that he never gave himself the chance to know me, to see me, and to appreciate what I could be. But I guess when you're so caught up in living 'in the moment,' you don't really look around and notice how far you've come. In that way, we'll never really see each other. But I give him credit. It's hard sleeping with so many women at once and half-lying to get laid all the time.

I think that if I ever did gain his heart in exchange for what I'd been through, it wouldn't be feather-light and that shade of passionate red we attribute to a fighting love and glory. It would be sad, small, and black. So I ask you, as an audience:

Do you have anything more to give?

The Start

I've spent so much time contemplating the first post that the reason for this blog was lost on me. This is a daily blog that leaves a lot of room for contemplation and innumerable topics to be discussed. I'd also like to add that if anyone would like to recommend a topic, feel free to comment and I will do my best. Alas, I begin my blog, Passion Fruit.

"Where passion is not found, no virtue ever dwelt."
-Maria Brooks

Now, I ask the question: what is passion?
According to dictionary.com, it is "any powerful or compelling emotion or feeling." It can also be defined as "the state of being acted upon or affected by something external, especially something alien to one's nature or one's customary behavior."

Oftentimes, I have found that dear friends are moved to a point of passion in their expression of disgust, loathing, or infatuation in another person. Most recently I witnessed such an expression. I can only assume their anger or agony stemmed from a former virtue they found present in the aforementioned person (the one receiving the brunt of the accusations). Because of this, they (the accuser) felt compelled to express their feelings of betrayal and weariness in dealing with the accused's present demeanor, which leads me to another quote...

"You know that when I hate you, it is because I love you to a point of passion
that unhinges my soul."
- Julie-Jeanne-Eleonore de Lespinasse

Now, I understand this may not always be the case. But, in my defense, it most certainly is for me. Whenever I have been moved enough to feel the coils of hate burning in my soul, it is the sum of many more emotions that have caused me to feel this way. Hurt, love, jealousy, regret, sadness-these are all components of a perfect "2+2." And in this circumstance, the ____ + _____ seems to be the combination for hatred. Hate is a strong word; we can all agree to that. But was Ms. Lespinasse correct in stating "...it is because I love you to a point of passion that unhinges my soul"?

Let us take this a step further by including an example. When a negligent and troublesome child refrains from doing homework and is then rewarded by a call home from his teacher, the resulting action is a deep-seated loathing for this official. His parents are notified and he is punished. He feels trapped. Amongst the variable emotions he feels throughout the day, the 'acting out' [read: not doing homework] he does as a result of family problems is one of the many ways he can feel 'in control.' This is one predicament in which he places an action and gets a guarenteed result. His unstable home life, however, is another story. The punishment only contributes to the trials and tribulations he feels at home.


In this scenario, the child was pushed to a point of passion and loathing for his teacher because of the resulting consequences. Was this love? Most certainly not. We can only assume that this delinquent has much deeper concerns that are rooted in an outpour of emotions. So, can we assume Ms. Lespinasse's quote did not hold entirely true? Perhaps. But there is no denying that there is a ring of truth to it.

Take, for example, a much more applicable experience:
There has always been a time when we've grown close to a friend or companion. As the years go by we let down our guard, learn to accept their eccentricities, their preferences, and respect them as a person. One day, you find that they've made a small habit of letting you down. Taken aback, it can blossom into hurt. Suppose they do not follow through on their word, but it happens time and time again, especially when it means the most to us. Most times we are led to believe they'd make good choices, and be conscious of our emotions. After some time has passed and you've spoken of your disagreements, you then realize they do it on purpose.

Their selfish actions tear at you, and consequently cause you to hate who they've become. But beneath it all, you simply wish for a reconciliation. Now, I find in these situations, Ms. Lespinasse's quote can be more or less applied. This dear friend of yours is someone you cherish, someone you love, but their actions have driven you to spite them and hate their indifference. In this scenario, who can deny that they've not been 'unhinged at the soul,' once and again, and pushed to hatred for the person they've so admired? Perhaps this is not same for all, but I feel like this situation can be more aptly applied to a larger audience. That "benefit of the doubt" that we like to give our old friends-that can be seen as an outlet for larger, deeper emotions. We certainly aren't as quick to offer this benefit to strangers, or acquaintances. In which case, we come to the conclusion that Lespinasse may have a point after all. Sometimes hate is just love, tore up and concealed beneath many layers of emotions, and years of friendship.